Yesterday I posted part one of a countdown of the most popular internet searches that lead to my website. To recap:
10. Lying Naked
9. The Adventures of Rick Brickman
8. Rosebud Baker
7. Alex Goldberg Seattle
It’s time for the top five. And it’s going to get awkward.
5. Alex Oldberg
# of searches 131 (4.9% of total searches)
Fun variations: um…see below.
Okay, at first this looks like a typo; someone must have left off the G to my name. But 131 different people? There must be an Alex Oldberg. And there is…and he’s in show business! Not something as paltry as Hollywood. No, Alex Oldberg works in a bigger market. Bigger than Bollywood, even! Alex Oldberg is a director in the highest grossing film market in the world:
And not just any porn. Not the family friendly porn the average normal perv checks out. No, Alex Oldberg is what one would call a genre director. What genre, you may ask? Well I’ll tell you, but if you are the squeamish type, then skip ahead to #4. I won’t hold it against you. You gone? Fine. For the rest of you pervs, here are a few titles from the Alex Oldberg canon:
Yellow Pee 1
An American Scatgirl in Europe
I can admire the title of the second film. Also, I admire the ambition to add a “1” after the title of the first film, just assuming that he will get funding for any sequels (spoiler: he did). But that’s it. I almost ALMOST feel bad for the 131 people who went to my website and were very disappointed.
4. Zero Gravity Management
# of searches 157 (5.9% of total searches)
Fun variations: damon lane zero gravity
Well, this one makes sense. Damon Lane is my manager. He works at Zero Gravity Management. Here’s an example of my website serving it’s purpose. This reminds me, I need to call Damon and see if he can package me with Alex Oldberg and set up a studio meeting.
# of searches 198 (7.5% of total searches)
Fun variations: Grease 3, theresa grease 3, fearsome grease
Once upon a time I was in a sketch comedy group, called FEARSOME. We were very funny. One of our most popular shows was a 45-minute musical called Grease 3: Threase. It is the unauthorized sequel to Grease 2, set modern day, and about a burka-clad exchange student who tries to fit in amongst the T-Boners and Pink Labias. I played “Daddy,” a Vietnam vet who still hasn’t been able to finish high school after 30+ years.
Alas, this wonderful show was a swan song for FEARSOME, as we soon parted ways. Some of us moved to Los Angeles. Some stayed in New York. One went to Denver. One to China! But, judging by the number of people who searched this term, I believe the end of the Grease Trilogy is long overdue. Hollywood, we are ready! Let’s reunite, gang!
Also, I have no idea who Theresa Grease is. If you find out, let me know.
2. Alex Goldberg
# of searches 650 (24.5% of total searches)
Fun variations:alex goldberg playwright, alex goldberg films, alex goldberg improv
Finally, it’s all about me! Me, me, me. This is MY blog entry about MY website. 650 people searched for me! I’m number 2. Wait, what? There is something out there more popular than me that is drawing traffic to my website?
1. Hot Tub
# of searches 668 (24.1% of total searches)
Fun variations: hot tub wife, group hot tub, elderly in hot tub, hot tub group bi-bisexual gay, my gf in a hot tub, hot tub naked with friends, hot tub kurt and kristen
I am a writer of plays, film, comedy, and TV. I have never written about a hot tub. So why is this search number 1? Why did nearly 700 people come to my website by searching some variation of hot tub?
Well, it could be because of Kurt Braunohler and Kristen Schaal. They are the extremely funny and talented comedy duo who for years have hosted their show Hot Tub with Kurt & Kristen. Anybody who is anyone in the comedy world has appeared on this show. Including me…with my sketch group FEARSOME. So that could be the reason.
Or, it could be this photo:
Yep, that’s me, along with some of my FEARSOME compadres, in one of the world’s largest hot tubs in the Hollywood Hills. Seriously, that thing is huge. And since this photo is somewhere on my website I guess the people needed to see it.
So there you have it, folks. Most people come to my website for sex, nudity, and one of my old comedy groups from New York. Nothing on this list about my latest projects…yet. I’ll let you know when that Scarlett Johansson naked play is finished.